In March 2019 I suffered a period of significant deterioration in my mental state. I was more anxious than I had been in years, paranoid and struggling to make it through an hour without crying. I was self-harming regularly and suicidal thoughts were coming hard and fast.

So I did what I needed to and booked an appointment with my GP. Having recently relocated back to my hometown, it was a GP I hadn’t seen about my mental health before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I outlined my history, diagnosis, medication regime and current symptoms. I made it clear these were reactive to a situation in my life at the time, that my BPD was struggling to keep in perspective.

After around 5 minutes explaining everything as clearly as I could manage, she paused.

“Well it sounds like your depression and anxiety is getting much worse.”

What?! What depression? I don’t have a diagnosis of depression. I haven’t for 4 years, since my diagnosis was amended. I accepted my anxiety was getting much worse but reminded the doctor of my BPD diagnosis.

“Right” she paused “and what exactly does that mean to you?”

I told her I struggled to explain it articulately, particularly given my low mood and overwhelmed mental state at the time. I asked if she was familiar with the diagnosis. To her credit, she admitted she wasn’t. I sighed. Here we go again.

Eventually we muddled our way through, me forcing myself to try and think logically and explain a condition which felt far too hard to explain in a 12 minute appointment. She amended my medication, doubling my Quetiapine dose and referring me to the CMHT.

I wish this was a one off example. Having lived up and down the country with university and graduate roles I have seen more GP’s than I can remember. And to my recollection, only one has ever known what BPD was, without me having to prompt them.

Whilst I am empathetic to the role of a GP, and appreciate how many conditions they are expected to know, recognise and treat, it is incredibly disheartening having to continuously teach them about my disorder.

Often I only visit the GP in times of crisis, when I have tried to manage for a week or too but the emotional turmoil becomes just too much. My mind is so fuzzy and overwhelmed I can barely find the words to describe it, let alone give a psychiatry lesson.

I would honestly prefer if the GP was honest and admitted they didn’t know and simply looked it up, instead of expecting me to explain. I always feel under a huge pressure to explain it accurately for the next person this GP encounters with the same diagnosis, to help make their appointment a little easier than mine.

It frustrates me that Personality Disorders impact more people than Bipolar and Schizophrenia and yet still medical professionals know nothing about them.

It simply isn’t good enough.

Lorna

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