For years, I feared anger. It terrified me. Having been raised in a home with domestic violence anger signaled danger, an impending threat.

I learnt to avoid anger at all costs. I’d avoid any form of conflict. Whenever someone raised their voice I’d go silent, retreating inwards, in a manner similar to animals playing dead to avoid harm. Don’t poke the beast, right?

Growing up within an environment with domestic violence I also was raised to believe I deserved all I got. I didn’t feel upset or frustrated at any ill-treatment I received as I wholeheartedly believed I deserved it. My experiences were also invalidated repeatedly, meaning I stopped trusting my emotional instincts.

This has continued for most of my life. I’ve avoided all conflict, however small, and rolled-over playing dead more times than I care to admit. I’ve let people mistreat me, without ever feeling much other than a sense of shame, accepting that I deserved it.

When I got diagnosed with BPD I remember reading about BPD rage and not having any sense as to what this was. I couldn’t relate.

But surprisingly, my journey to recovery has included an activation of the anger I so long repressed.

A key part of my recovery has been developing a more stable sense of who I am, and what I deserve in life. With this, I’ve stopped accepting poor treatment as something I deserve, and come to realise I absolutely do not. This had meant I’ve felt anger when I have been wronged, for the first time in my life.

To begin with this felt scary to me. I felt I’d lost control and worried what might happen. I felt an uncontrollable emotion I had never experienced and had no clue how to manage it. I desperately feared speaking up or acting out in case I was abandoned.

But slowly I’ve learnt to accept this anger, and even to welcome it.

I think we forget that anger is an incredibly valuable emotion. We fear confrontation, particularly in the UK, as immediately view it as a negative. I too was guilty of it.

I see it everywhere. Someone disagreeing with an opinion is deemed confrontational, someone enforcing their boundaries makes them aggressive and those who dare to call out others for their poor treatment are petty and bitchy.

But anger allows you to know when you have been wronged, motivates you to assert your boundaries and help you form a life where you are treated with the respect you deserve. For me, learning to listen to my anger has been incredibly valuable. I’ve walked away from toxic friendships, safe in the knowledge that I deserve more. I’ve called out those around me when their behaviour has hurt me, refusing to accept poor treatment.

Anger has helped me create better relationships with those I love. I feel comfortable asserting my boundaries, and am learning to do this as appropriately as I can, without expecting abandonment.

We too often confuse anger and rage. Rage brings with it aggression, vindictiveness and impulsivity. Anger brings motivation, action and boundary assertion. And anger can be an incredible friend when you learn to welcome it.

Lorna

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