As part of #MHAW19 I was fortunate enough to sit on a panel of young activists with Dell EMC & the Princes Trust discussing body image amongst young people. I had an amazing time and met some wonderful, inspiring people but I didn’t quite get the chance to fully answer one of the questions. So, I thought, why not turn it into a blog!?

The question was…

What does your best self look like?

Some panel members spoke of their desire to keep improving, be this through fitness or diet, and the impact of small changes. For me, my best self looks quite different.

For so long, I was convinced the best version of myself revolved around my weight, dress-size, and calorie intake. I was sure that I would only be worthy once I was thin enough (a goal that no matter how small I got, always felt just a few extra pounds away). My sense worth was so intrinsically linked to my body size, shape and the amount of food I ate. And I lived in a world where I would never quite be good enough.

Was I a better person at this time?

My social media feed might lead you to believe I was; I was posting endless full body mirror selfies in tiny clothes, my social life was full and I seemed open and honest about my struggles with depression and anxiety.

The reality?

This was possibly the worst version of myself to ever exist. I was consumed with obsessive, intrusive thoughts every waking minute. I was lying to my loved ones on a daily basis and didn’t really care. My brain was so starved of nutrients that I would snap over the smallest thing, unable to regulate my emotions properly. I was so wrapped up in myself and my weight that I had little time or resources left to dish out to my family. I was never present in the moment, always consumed with my own minds negativity.

So, what does my ‘best self’ look like?

For me, my best self is a self who places no value on her appearance. Who knows her worth comes from her qualities, not her beauty. Who prioritises being kind, compassionate, and loving to those around her. Who prioritises the opinions of those she loves, not those whose insecurities cause them to emit hatred. Who spends more time laughing than considering the calories she could burn today. Who wears clothes that allow her to feel comfortable and happy without giving too much thought to whether it shows her flaws too much.

My best self focuses on making life easier for the generation coming up behind her, sharing her story to allow others to know it’s okay to feel sad, to feel you are not good enough, or to feel imperfect. But who reassures other they do not have to live a life compelled by these thoughts. Who instills hope that things can improve, and empowers others to seek help when they need it and know this is a strength, not a weakness.

My best self spends time learning and growing, accepting mistakes as inevitable. My best self seeks to become more understanding of others, and of her own experiences. She always wants to allow those who come into contact with to feel heard and validated.

My best self has no space for loathing herself for pockets of fat or cellulite. She doesn’t care if her hair is out of place or her make-up off trend. She eats food that fuels her, and allows her to feel fulfilled. She exercises as a means to celebrate her body, not shrink it. She loves herself as she is, and knows her weight, dress size or BMI play no role in her worthiness.

I may not quite fully be my best self yet, but I’m sure enjoying working towards her.

Lorna

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