Spring is here – the lambs are out, it’s staying light until past 5pm and shops are stocked full to the brim with Easter paraphernalia. Most importantly, the sun is shining!

For most of us, the arrival of Spring is a welcome sight; we put away our winter coats and start planning our summer. But for some of us living with mental illness, myself included, the arrival of good weather brings with it an unwelcome pressure – the pressure to go outside.

My own family are very much sun-babies. They love being out in our garden in the Shropshire countryside be this gardening or reading or playing with the dogs. They continuously tell me to “just go outside” and “enjoy the sunshine.”  I know they mean well, and they struggle to understand why I don’t want to, but being outside for me isn’t really something I enjoy all that much.

I find that being outside, with no purpose or reason, fills me with significant anxiety. Sure, I’m all good if we’re out for the day and doing something, but just sitting or being outside is not a pleasant experience for me. I feel lost, my mind starts racing and I want to flee back to the safety of my house. Home, or indoors, feels safe to me, and for a reason I can’t quite figure out, outside doesn’t. Perhaps it’s having to be alone in my own head, with little stimulus to distract me which feels scary.

I also resent the implication that sunshine will ‘fix’ my issues. I appreciate evidence suggests it helps lift low mood but this research is generally relevant to mild to moderate depression. For me with BPD, anxiety and various early life traumas swimming around my brain, sunshine ain’t gonna do that much, hun. Even for those with mild to moderate depression being outdoors might help marginally, but when it feels like the most mammoth effort in the world to even get out of bed, attempting to force someone to go outside might do more harm than good.

When I stay indoors when people are continuously telling me to “just go outside” I end up feeling guilty and like a failure. I long to be able to just enjoy ‘being’ outdoors, but I just can’t, and the constant focus on my inability to enjoy such a basic pleasure really doesn’t help.

Lorna

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