When I left school and went to college, having done pretty well in my GCSS’s, I was put into a ‘high achievers’ group. We were provided with extra coaching and skills to get into top universities.

Now, to be brutally honest, at this point, aged 16, I had no idea what university even was really. I didn’t know anyone who had been and it was never something I had considered. But suddenly I was being told I should seriously consider applying to Oxford and Cambridge (the two most esteemed universities in the UK).

Something I had never even thought about now seemed like my only option, and I didn’t feel I was able to say no. Everyone was telling me university was the best thing I could ever do, and I’d be a fool not to go.

So I went along with it, listening to the advice my tutors gave me, and applied. Whilst I decided not to apply to OxBridge I applied to some of the top universities in the country. I went on endless campus visits and eventually decided on studying Psychology at the University of Bath.

In 2011 I began my degree, and whilst I enjoyed my first year, in second year, shit got real. After moving in with 3 of my closest friends from halls cracks began to appear in our relationships. Living in such close proximity magnified our differences and we began to drift apart. Endless deadlines also took its toll and I began to significantly struggle with my sleep, getting less than 2 hours most nights.

I’ve blogged before about how this ultimately culminated into a breakdown, where a friend literally had to drive me to the train station, buy me a ticket and force me to go home and get help.

So I did. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and by this point was fully in the grips of anorexia. I began seeing a private counsellor and was put on antidepressants, seeing my GP weekly as I was deemed ‘high risk’.

Summer passed and I was all geared up to return to university and begin my placement year in London. I had put a deposit down for my accommodation and was getting ready to pack up.

I went to see my GP and explained I was due to leave the area and return to uni. He responded “well, I don’t support that.” I was stunned. He told me he felt I was too unstable to move away from my support network and had serious concerns how I would cope living in a completely new area where I didn’t know anyone. He told me if the university required a letter of support from a GP for my return he wouldn’t be able to provide it.

I left, upset and frustrated. What did he know? I was fine. I’d had some counselling, I was on medication, what more did he want?

I saw my counsellor a few days later and explained what he had said. To my horror, she agreed. She felt I wasn’t ready yet. She then asked me a question I’ll never forget…

“Would it be the worst thing in the world if you took some time out to look after yourself?”

Yes.

At least, that’s what my instinct told me. For so long university had felt like the be all and end all. Where I was supposed to be.

She told me to go away and think about it for a week. So I did. I spent long nights chatting with my mum, weighing up the pro’s and con’s.

I reached out to my placement co-ordinator, and the placement provider itself, who both agreed it was best I didn’t push myself too far and maybe consider deferring for a year. My department head agreed and before I knew it I’d suspended my studies for one year. It had all happened in just under 2 weeks.

I was crushed. It felt like I’d failed in every sense. The thing that felt like the most important thing in the world to me was being taken from me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a year off. University was my identity, my community and my greatest achievement.

I hated watching my friends go off on placements across the world without me. I hated seeing their Facebook posts, showing all the fun they had whilst I sat at home, depressed and confused.

But slowly, I realised it was the single best decision I have ever made.

What I can see now is just how unwell I was. I was paranoid, delusional, severely depressed, suicidal, anorexic and anxious. I couldn’t look after myself at all and certainly couldn’t have lived away from my family at the time.

I firmly believe if I had gone on placement at that stage, I would have attempted to end my life. I would have continued feeling how I did, hundreds of miles from home, alone and depressed. The pressure to ‘succeed’ on placement and to prove my GP and counsellor wrong, to show them that I could do it, that I wouldn’t end up sicker, would have stopped me reaching out for help until it got too much.

Suspending my degree gave me nothing else to do but to get better. I had lost everything (or so it felt) and I had to work to get back to it. I spent a year intensely focused on my goal of returning to my degree.

Or at least, that’s what it did to begin with. As time went on I realised how thankful I was for those people who stopped me going back.  I realised how sick I was, and that if I was to truly recover I needed to prioritise me. I needed to let go of the idea that anything else was more important than my mental health. Not a job, not a degree, not university friends. I had to take care of myself. And slowly, I did just that.

It was the first time in 14/15 years I hadn’t been in full time education, constantly chasing the next mark, meeting the next deadline or emerced in a social group I felt I should be part of.

I was finally alone. With very little to fill my time. And it was during this time I truly found myself.

I found my true values, learnt who was truly there for me no matter what, and learnt what I wanted and, perhaps more importantly needed, moving forward. And this allowed me to eventually return to university and finish my degree safely.

I genuinely want anyone who is struggling at university right now to know that suspending your degree, taking some time out to heal and to learn about yourself, is not the end of the world. I know it feels like a failure, but it’s actually a huge success, to prioritise your own wellbeing. It is so much more important that you are healthy and safe. Nothing in the world is more important than this.

Lorna
x