Between the ages of 18 and 22(ish), I suffered from full blown anorexia nervosa. As most of you will know, this is an eating disorder classified by severe restriction of food intake and fear of gaining weight. I still struggle somewhat with this now, but am classified as ‘weight-restored.’

For me, this began during my second year at university. I became anxious and paranoid about my housemates (we had drifted apart) and I couldn’t stand the thought of having awkward small talk in the kitchen with people I was convinced hated me. I began avoiding the kitchen at times when I thought they would be there (mealtimes!), and going to the gym as a means to avoid the house altogether. As a result, I missed a lot of meals, and lost a significant amount of weight.

When I had my breakdown, this wasn’t a particularly big issue; the skipping meals was more closely linked to my social anxiety, as opposed to an eating disorder. But when I returned to my family home, people I had known for years began commenting on the weight I had lost;

“Oh my god, you look AMAZING.”

“Well done, it’s incredible how much weight you have lost!”

“I’m so jealous, you look beautiful.”

“You’re so thin now, I hate you, I’m so jealous!”

When I went shopping with friends and we’d try on clothes they’d always end up commenting on how my body has changed, and how much nicer clothes looked on me now. I even remember the receptionist at my job telling me I looked so much better thinner.

Whilst I appreciate there was generally no malice behind these comments, they stuck out in my head. I had dropped from a size 16 to a 10, and people kept commenting on it. I’d never been particularly conscious of my body size before this, and wasn’t really that aware of the weight I’d lost. But once these comments started, I became frighteningly aware of my body.

To me these comments fuelled a dangerous fire. I felt that if people talked so highly of me and treated me so nicely when I was thin, they would think the opposite if I put weight back on. No matter what I wore to hide my body, I couldn’t get away from peoples compliments. I was in a place where all I wanted to do was physically disappear; for no one to look at me, let alone compliment me, and these comments just made me more anxious and hypervigilant to my bodies size and shape .

So, once my exams at university were out the way (which I managed to get through despite commuting over 3 hours for each, staying in a hotel and not sleeping for days on end), eating (or rather not eating), exercising and numbers on a scale became my life. I began exercising excessively; pacing rooms just to lose a few extra calories. My eating dropped to an all time low, and I remember vividly crying when my mum but a tiny jacket potato in front of me, screaming to get it away from me as if it was a gun aimed at my head. I was weighing myself anything over 6 times a day and lied to those around me about what I had (or most often hadn’t) eaten.

I continued to receive endless comments about my body. When I’d go out with friends to local clubs boys I knew at school would tell me I was “fit now” (the implication as I saw it being that I was attractive thinner, and could never be if I gained weight again).

Even when I told people I was struggling with food and exercising excessively, they would make light of it.

“God I wish I had your willpower” or “but you look amazing!”

It shocks me people were more focused on my physical appearance than my psychological distress, and even suggested they were jealous of it. Trust me, Anorexia is nothing to be jealous of.

What I really wanted to focus on in this post is the frustration I feel at the world we live in, where weight and dress size is seen as a measure of your character. I have been the ‘fat’ girl, and the ‘thin’ girl and can hand on heart say people are nicer to you as the thin girl, and that breaks my heart. When I was thin, I was dangerously ill, lying to my loved ones, and severely depressed. Yet, I fit the right mould, and people felt it was their place to comment on it.

It felt like an endless tunnel of voices pointing out every inch of my body and telling me the smaller it was the more worthy I was, the more beautiful I was, and the more liked I’d be. Already vulnerable, I internalised this comments and their implications (real or perceived) and it led directly to my eating disorder. I felt so socially anxious anyway, having felt like I was being judged as a failure for suspending my degree, that I felt reducing my weight was the best way to obtain a sense of achievement.

Right now, I am very careful in my comments to others. I rarely, if ever, comment on people’s figures, dress size or weight. I know the dangers of doing so, and never want anyone to feel as judged as I did.

The reality is, someone’s body is their business, and theirs alone. I constantly call out people when they make comments such as “oh she looks big in that” asking “so, why is that relevant? How does making that comment make the world better, or make you feel better?” Quite often, the answer is simple; it doesn’t.

We’re so used to commenting on others bodies, and judging them for it. But really, why? What difference does it make to my life if a celebrity has put on or lost weight. It’s their body, not mine. They can do whatever the hell they like with it, as long as they are not harming anyone else.

When you can tell a woman she is intelligent, or funny, or inspiring, why the hell would you comment on her body shape? Women are powerful, kind, loving souls, with a fire inside them to change the world. Let’s focus on that.

My challenge to you for the week ahead is to compliment those around you, using anything other than their physical appearance. Their character, intelligence, humour, hard work, kindness, anything BUT their dress size, clothes, or figure.

Let me know how it goes.

Lorna x

Note: I know I focussed on women, but this is because I have far more insight into women and eating disorders. I am FULLY aware eating disorders are a huge issue for men, and am equally passionate about this. I just wasn’t sure how to address this in this post.