Four years ago, I went for a drink in town with one of my best friends.

I’d spent the day on a date with a guy I was seeing (my now boyfriend) and went straight into town to see her.

I never saw or heard from her again.

As far as I’m concerned, we had a nice evening. I remember being tired, and not really feeling it, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I told her how my diagnosis had been changed to BPD, and when she asked what this meant I told her I wasn’t really too sure myself yet and so didn’t want to dwell on it. I told her about the guy I was seeing and we chatted about uni and people we knew from school. We left and went our separate ways.

It took me a while to even realise that something was wrong. She wasn’t the best at replying to messages so I didn’t think too much of it when she didn’t text back the next day.

But after 4 or 5 messages, a few days apart, I stated to wonder if everything was okay.

Then it turned to weeks.

I sent her a message apologising if I had done/said something wrong when we met and told her I wanted to be friends as she meant the world to me. She’d been one of my best friends for years and helped me through my breakdown, diagnosis and beyond. We’d visited each other at uni and saw each other at least weekly when we were home. I hated the thought of losing her.

More time passed. I tried apologising again. This time using Facebook in case something happened to her phone. I watched as it changed to read hopeful… Nothing. I must have sent an apology message 5 or 6 times over the following weeks. Each met with a deafening silence.

Weeks became months, and then years.

I was crushed.

To this day I still have no idea what happened, or why she stopped speaking to me. I’ve replayed out last drinks over and over. I’ve beaten myself up over being tired, over not being in the mood, over things I can’t even remember doing or saying.

I lost one of the most important people in my life and I don’t know why.

This had a huge impact on me. I now hate seeing friends, in case I do or say something wrong and lose anyone else. When j do see them, I agonise over things I said, wondering if the other person might have misinterpreted something I said or did. I desperately want to hear from them again as soon as possible, to know they still want me in their life.

I hold zero malice towards my forner friend, but I’m crushed by what they did. They didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me what I’d done, or simply to let me know they no longer wanted to speak to me. That I could have managed. If I understood why I could have learnt from it and moved on. But having no idea what I did means I now fear all social interactions. Because I never know when it might be the last time I see someone.

I’ve been left feeling like I’m an awful person to be around. When I meet new people I clam up, afraid they’ll hate me. With friends I try and focus on them, not me, to avoid seeing self-absorbed or disinterested. I think so care fully before opening my mouth, and then replay every single word I uttered later on.

But more often than not I avoid social situations. Because then I’m in control. I don’t have to feel like I did again.

I’m not writing this to berate my friend, or to shame anyone who ghost their friends, I’ve done it myself in the past. But experiencing the reality of how it feels has been significant for me. And I wanted to share it.

Lorna

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