Sometimes, I feel like a fraud.

To be more specific I feel like a fraud in terms of my anorexia.

I have been largely recovered (although I prefer the term weight-restored) from anorexia for around 4 years. I still struggle with the mentality of an anorexic on a regular basis, and occasionally dip back into some behavioural patterns (pacing, excessive exercise, food restrictions etc.) but generally, I do not ‘suffer’ in the same way I once did.

And sometimes, this makes me feel like a bad anorexic. Like I’ve failed. Like I didn’t commit. Like I gave up. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m so fortunate to have survived and recovered from anorexia, but a small part of me feels like I somehow failed.

I feel like I should still be battling like I see so many others doing. Like I should be trapped in the vicious cycle of relapse and remission others inhabit. I have this voice telling me I can’t call myself a real anorexic as I never relapsed. I recovery took a long time, years even, but once I got there I’ve largely stayed put. And I have a voice in me telling me this makes me a failure.

I also never got a diagnosis. As I’ve written and spoken about before my GP was unable/refused to diagnose me as my BMI straddled the line between ‘underweight’ and ‘healthy’. I was never referred, never diagnosed, just told not to worry and monitored. I never got a formal diagnosis, despite obviously exhibiting all symptoms of anorexia, and losing a drastic amount of weight in a short space of time. So when I tell people I had anorexia I sometimes feel like I’m lying, because a medical professional never confirmed this. That doctor made me feel like I was exaggerating, it couldn’t jve been that bad if a doctor said it wasn’t.

Of course, the reality was I was incredibly unwell, and I served my time. But I don’t know if that voice will ever leave, and if I’ll ever be truly free of the anorexic voice, so determined to tell me I failed.

Lorna

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